wrigley field is MILF paradise
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Randomize
