After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
