My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
