Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
