I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
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