He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
