i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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