One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
