Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
even my farts smell like vagina
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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