you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
