I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
