Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Randomize
