it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
