saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
