I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
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