apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
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