Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Randomize
