wrigley field is MILF paradise
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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