u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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