yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
