i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
