i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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