Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
