Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
