I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
