your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
