oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
