You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
