Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
