She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
Itโs like sheโs marking her territory
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP ๐๐๐๐
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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