I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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