You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
