It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
