Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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