I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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