oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Drunk is not a location!
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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