Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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