my mouth tastes like poor choices
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
