I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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