I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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