1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
