I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
