We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
