is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
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