My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Randomize
