im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
