Just fell off a train. Bad.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
