dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
