I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
