His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
