He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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