you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
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