If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
